Actually, it was just over a year ago that the thought became more than that, morphing into an option that wielded a light so hopeful, a hope I never thought I’d feel again. I had felt nothing but pain and hopelessness for so many months. But on 21 May 2013, after my friend had fallen asleep, I took the last few dollars I had and walked to the drug store, intent on the purchase though not sure if I actually was going to do it. The closer I got to being home after I bought them, the more sure I felt. And the more relieved I became that the end was finally very very near. I felt the sun on my back again and I honestly felt peaceful as I found all the pills in the house that I could and started taking them in groups of threes and fours, chasing them down with a large tumbler full of wine. A dismantled razor helped things. Eventually, I felt them starting to kick in and knew that it was only a matter of time. I took a bath and got out at about 7 after the hallucinations started. That’s the last I remember. Until 5 hours later when I started regaining some lucidity in the Emergency Room, my friend sitting in the chair next to my bed. Even that time is fuzzy. I woke up. I don’t know how many of you have experienced that. Waking up. Waking up alive.
It’s confusing. It’s disappointing, almost. At least at first. I was even angry for a small moment. At myself. For not even being able to do that right.
In the days following when I was in the hospital and the inpatient treatment, I realized the sheer chance of it all. Morgan shouldn’t have woken up. We’d been up all night. She should’ve slept for at least a few more hours. But I realized I wasn’t robbed of that one request so much as I was given another chance.
In this past year, I’ve done so much. I’ve lived so much. I’ve felt again. And I’ve stopped enabling the behaviors that led me to that point.
So I guess what I want to say is…there is life after. I promise.
My ask is always open.
I used to think you were remarkable, little fighter. But now i know that cape is just a blankie to wrap yourself in tight to hide away. And the worst part is, i cant be angry because it was my delusion. My fantasy.
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Being a 20-something sucks because everyone’s waiting for you to fail.
i took you for granted, VHS. i took you for granted..
i think we have a youngster over here…
why the fuck is there so much stigma surrounding going to the movies by yourself why the fuck do you need someone to help you sit in the dark and look at a wall for two hours “oh look at that dork they don’t even have a friend to ignore for the entire duration of this event”
if I ever win an oscar I’m going to mention leonardo dicaprio in my speech let him know we’re rooting for you buddy one of these days it’ll happen
If someone from tumblr wins an Oscar before Leonardo Dicaprio I’m going to set my hair on fire
thank you for the vote of confidence
It’s more votes than Leonardo Dicaprico got
I’m pretty sure I’ve re logged this everytime
If my future husband doesn’t have an expression similar to these when he first sees me on our wedding day, I’m gonna turn around and go home because I’ve obviously made a bad judgement call.